Hello & Welcome to the Roller Coaster! Buckle Up, honey; at times, it’s a bumpy ride! My hubby did almost 20 years, and he’s been home for 2.5 years. Sometimes I think he’s doing great… Sometimes not so much. He and many others come home to a very changed & different post-Covid world. Mine came home the August after the lockdown in March. In many ways, he is “Institutionalized.” For example, he sometimes forgets to eat!! (I never have that problem!) He’s used to a strict schedule, he leaves lights on ALL THE TIME, but in prison, they never turn them off.

He never locks the doors or even CLOSES them (we have three into our house) because, in prison, they aren’t even allowed to TOUCH the doors…. they have to walk single file & line up all the time. I have seen three grown men freak out in a busy, crowded Walmart…. but the hardest part for him, as others said, is the mental part…. he is still trying to understand that things that are unacceptable in prison happen all the time… i.e., people cutting in front of you in line at a store, cutting you off in traffic, talking to you in a DISRESPECTFUL way.  Everyone is different, and every state & country is too. We are all in the same boat, but everyone’s story & experiences are different.

Hi Sheila, the group has helped me know that I’m not the only one dealing with issues with someone incarcerated for years. My bf served 25 yrs. Going through the post incarcerated syndrome, being institutionalized, he doesn’t have health insurance, so finding some therapy or a therapist experienced in this area for free is difficult. These services are expensive. I look at the group daily. I haven’t shared in a while.  Great page you have created 

I have a loved one who did ten years, came home, and refused to go to therapy despite the constant urging of friends and family, including his older brothers. He said he was fine and didn’t need therapy. Five years of freedom, and he’s back in prison.

My loved one is the first one to say he should have gone to therapy while he was free. He acknowledges that he needed help but didn’t see it at the time because he had a good job, provided for the family, did volunteer work, etc. The problem was that he didn’t have the self-awareness to know that he needed help to reintegrate. He explained it to me this way – these are almost his exact words: If you put a tiger in a jungle (prison), it learns to adapt and co-exist. Survival of the fittest and all that. If you put that same tiger in the community, it doesn’t know how to adapt because he’s out of his natural environment. He will follow his instincts that were fine-tuned when he lived in the jungle. The end result is chaos for himself and for people around him. With therapy and a lot of love that tiger could become your most trusted companion.

My husband of 12 yrs. got out of prison in November and came home from the halfway house in December. When you think there should be bliss because yawl has been apart for 6 yrs., he comes home a stranger. Not a stranger, but a stranger…OMG! Still, that good provider and protector who likes to have fun but is at times too aggressive, pushy, a complete narcissist, and thinks the world owes him. I don’t even know the triggers. Disagreements turn into him jumping in my face like he wanted to do something, slamming car doors, yelling at the kids, and jumping in their faces like we’re literally in prison. In our own home.

His therapy sessions are cut short or nonexistent because he gets in front of the psychiatrist, counselor, and probation officer, acting as if he has it all together. He’s supposed to see the psychiatrist weekly, yet he gives him 3-month appointments and prescriptions. I’m not mentally equipped to deal with this guy. The kids and I went through hell when he was gone, yet he seems to think he was the only one that endured pain and trauma. Signed, simply over it!

The neglect, lies, immaturity, bad judgement, highly defensive, emotionally disconnected, disrespect… I am filled with resentment and distant now.

It hurt, but I broke it off to save myself. Emotionally and mentally, I am not equipped to deal and didn’t know what on earth I have got myself into. I am now looking at all my resources and trying to understand PIC. Not only for him because my older brother is getting out next year.

Many have encouraged me not to give up on him, and I decided to study my resources and gain understanding. He is taking accountability and finding himself and is about to graduate from MRT and start individual counseling. He has asked to put couples counseling on pause but is open to attending church with me, so that is a step.PIC is real and is destroying so many. My heart breaks for him and what he is going through to regain his footing in society, and it hurts to have to choose to let him go. I am so thankful for what I am learning from this group and not just venting but learning since I reached my breaking point

Can I please get all the information I need on PICS? My husband would also love to read about this and become aware of what he could go through upon his return. He has told me our marriage is all he wants and is willing to learn and become aware of what could happen to him. Thank you so much for everything you do. You and your husband are truly a blessing. This group and Shelia have helped me a lot… it gave me the signs to look for and how to handle different situations… everyone here is helpful and not judgmental.

Now that he’s at home, the transition is trying at times… I feel like he pushes my buttons to see how I will react… but now we are trying to see what’ll happen… trying to live together and build a life. I’m very thankful for being in this group and having people who somewhat understand what I’m dealing with- not everyone understands.

I’m terrified of life after prison. He’s been in so long, and the world has changed so much. I’m scared about how he will cope, function, and thrive. I’m scared about our relationship withstanding it all. I’m scared that I’m wasting my time holding him down just for him to get out and not be able to handle everything.

My Husband was granted Parole after being incarcerated for 25 years. I had no idea on how to prepare for his release or what to expect “in fact” over the course of the years I never really gave it much thought. Wife After Prison Support Group offered the tools and resources for me to become educated on various forms of mental illness such as PICS/PSTD and confusion that Men experience once released. Also, this group allowed me to hear Live Testimonies from Women whose lives are affected by the release of their LO. To my surprise, the Moment you waited years for can potentially become your worst nightmare if you aren’t educated on the psychological state your LO can be in “Even” if he appears to have it all together. However, Wife After Prison can prepare you for what the men deal with and find a “Happy Place” for yourself as well. I am Amazed to see the women join and support one another on this difficult journey. Wife After Prison is truly an Uplifting, Encouraging No Judging Sisterhood

My loved one was released and went back to the same life. I watched him struggle on the streets and beg for help. When it was time to go to rehab, he refused. Now he’s back in jail with the same charges and then some. I dreamed he was calling me from jail last night, and we had a full-blown conversation. I could hear his voice confessing all his wrongs. I woke up and felt the need to check the arrest site. Sure, enough he is in custody. This is not my battle it’s God’s. I have prayed for God to get him off the streets and break the chains. He was only home from prison for four months. Please pray for God’s will to be done.

I realize I don’t have mental and emotional capacity to deal with this 44-year-old man when he has the mental capacity of a 19 year old. He is emotionally unavailable and disconnected…I am embarrassed that I even allowed myself to enter this season.25 years he was locked down. It’s been a nightmare thus far. We had one good month and then he went back in three times for dumb decisions and got violated.

 I truly thought we could make it through anything, and he remains to profess I am his one and only love to all that will listen, but does he know what love is supposed to feel like anymore? Not with how he treats me…I wasn’t ready for this after we reconnected 30 years later. I decided to walk away, which was one of my hardest decisions.

Where do I start? He wants women’s attention, panic, anxiety, paranoia to the point he thinks I’m bugging his phone, having secret FB conversations he can’t see but others can; one day is good, the next 5 HORRIBLE. Blames me for everything, not accepting responsibility for his actions. Tells me he doesn’t care how I feel. Women interfere in our relationship to the point I’m about done.  I walked every day for 37 yrs to be treated like a second-class dog. Finally, the tears stop, and numbness sets in. Yes, he’s going to see someone this month. That will do no good if he is not honest. Life has been a total nightmare. He is institutionalized. Talk to me like I’m a guard. Won’t listen to me, always defends himself, then tells me it’s you, all you, not me. Insane life I have.

I don’t want to get too excited because my husband’s homecoming has been difficult. But he said, ” he discovered this thing called PICS” online ( HELLO I’ve been telling him, but I’ll let that one slide ). I’ve been out of the house for a week and found a place to stay until August. I went to the house to do laundry, and of course, his best friend was there; he can’t be alone yet generally treats me like I don’t exist. whatever…he wanted to have sex which caught me by surprise. I declined at first but then later agreed. He now says he misses me and loves me, and after seeing me today, he knows how badly he wants our marriage to work. And so on.

I told him I knew, but it’s a cycle, and things have not changed over a week enough to see the future. He says he felt deeply depressed after I left…I told him I understood, and I do love and miss him, but that is not healthy or fair to the other partner if he can’t be happy on his own. I will stay strong and pay for my first month’s rent at this new place. We were separated for only 2 or 3 days when we had a therapy appointment a week ago that was so bad the therapist said she didn’t feel like we were safe under the same roof. So as happy as I am that he briefly opened up to me and had some serious self-realization of WHY he can’t take care of himself — I’m still staying away. It hurts, but I know it’s a cycle of co-dependence. We were physically fighting regularly toward the end. As of right now, Idk if this is the road to recovery or the end…I’m not going to be a sucker for his kind words, as I know someone can not change in a week. But even if he and I aren’t together, in the end, I truly hope he heals…finds himself, and one day knows what HE wants for himself. Our next therapy appointment is next Tuesday. I have a lot of healing to do myself. Almost a decade of a roller coaster with this man and I have reached my limit. 

Sheila, ever since I watched the video podcasts you posted last December, I went back and started listening to your older videos starting from July 2018. I’ve only gotten through the first 3 or 4 so far. With each video, I make lots of notes and then tell it all to my LO in letters. So far I’ve just sent him letters about the first two videos where Kevin spoke of his experiences. Well, at visit this past weekend he told me that partially because of these letters and also what they’ve been discussing in his programs, he now recognizes that his mind and way of thinking are not normal. We discussed that some. He’s got such control over his emotions and thinking, but this is the first time he ever admitted he’s not all he thought he was. Last summer, though, he made another breakthrough all on his own by showing vulnerability and admitting and recognizing his faults and past mistakes. He said it was my love and support and my pure heart that led him to that revelation. Awhile back when I first started talking to him about PICS, I got him to agree to trust me if I see signs that he needs therapy after release. He agreed, but I still don’t think he believed he would need it. Then this weekend he mentioned it for the first time as a real possibility. Based on his personality, and now these changes he has decided to make on his own, I believe he’ll be fine transitioning. I believe everyone coming out of prison could use some sort of therapy, it won’t hurt anything to talk to a professional no matter how good you think you’re doing. The stuff he was talking about how his mind works was really good and I told him maybe eventually when he’s ready we’ll get him on a Wife After Prison Webinar cause you all gotta hear this. It was an insight into the way they think after being incarcerated so long. I think most guys just can’t explain it, but his communication skills are excellent. Thank you, Sheila, for all you do.

I finally received the 15-page letter that he wrote two weeks ago (the mailroom there is so screwed up and letters are either 2-4 weeks late or never arrive at all) about all his feelings with this new revelation. A lot of it sounded just like the stuff I’ve been telling him to expect possibly. He even used the word “institutionalized.” He has NEVER said that word before. A few months ago, he completely denied that he would have any issues, though he agreed to trust my judgment if he needed help. Now HE’S saying he’s going to need help. These things have been floating around in his head for the last month, but he said he procrastinated saying anything because writing it down or saying it out loud “makes it real.” It’s difficult for him to admit after 22 years in prison and living in that environment.

Ladies, some things are from the after-effects of prison some aren’t. You have to be able to identify the difference. Everything isn’t because of prison. Some of these men had no intention of staying and show destain now that they are out and feel obligated to you because of what you did for them. Please pay attention and educate yourself on post-incarceration syndrome. Some of these things are just him trying to find a way out of the situation now that he is free

I understand the PICS behaviors, thoughts, and realities. But sometimes I feel I’m excusing his bad behavior and allowing his poor attitude instead of standing up for me! Now I’m feeling hurt and defeated when I’ve done absolutely nothing. I walk on eggshells trying to figure this man out.

I usually don’t post, I just come to get information. My husband came home on 1/31/19 and was doing so well. Had a job, and did everything he needed to do to get custody of his son, and once they granted him custody things have gone downhill ever since. He’s lost his job, started using drugs, fighting with me, he’s in a complete self-destructive mode. It seems like anything I do or say, he’ll hear me, he’ll agree with me, cry with me, and promise me it’s going to get better. He knows what he’s doing is wrong but will turn right around and do something else. I know he suffers from PTSD/PICS and I’ve been super patient and trying to get him the help he needs because I love him and I know the potential he has because I’ve seen him do it before. We were together for almost 6yrs before we ever had an incident, but for the past 5 yrs, he keeps going back to prison. Will do good for 6-7 months and then here we are again. I’ve done 2 prison terms with him Idk if I can do anymore because if he doesn’t get better, I know that’s where he’ll end up. I’m asking for prayer and any advice because right now, I’m lost and don’t know what to do

I am sure the majority of us struggle with this. We have been accustomed to setting expectations as well as boundaries. Thus we have been conformed to the mindset that if we dont we are settling. I gave him clear expectations when we reconnected & started seeing each other before I knew what I was dealing with. His reply was that he is “all in.” But I know now he had no idea what that meant after 25 years in prison not ever having a real adult relationship with a woman in his life.

Now I am seeing the full scope it has caused feelings of neglect and resentment. What he does vs how I see it: No sense of time and never comes when he says is always late=he doesnt respect my time. He never calls back or calls when he says he going to=he is in inconsiderate & I cant take his word for face value. When he says I will do things in my own time when I tell him that what he doing concerns me, disappoinments me, or hurt=He doesnt really love me, why bother? Doesnt make time for me and doesnt include me in his daily structure in any way=He doesnt love me and/or I am not a priority

Doesnt think about how things effect me when he is making decisons=He couldnt possibly love me or care about me. Inconsistentcy in behaviors=He cant be trusted. Gets easily agitated when you communicate with him and says he is being attacked, no one listens to him. Very combative and gives excuses=There is no point in trying to communicate. Just shutdown…You cant talk to a brick

How do you all cope with this? Do you have the same issues and/or what are yours? Lowering expectations or having none does not feel normal…I am starting to feel numb and annoyed. Its real uncomfortable. At this point we have broken up and I cant say its permanent but I reached my breaking point. We communicate somewhat but it is a chore. I am now shutdown. I will think there is a breakthrough and days later…back to the same….one can only take so much…

There may be some that are not in this space. But for those that are like me… I thought this might be a motivation for reality. Your man is who he is..love yourself and know you have the strength to demand change. Loving someone in this life is not easy…but you are not stuck in pain…it is a choice. Put yourself above him… it is ok..I promise. Your man may be in prison or is now transitioned out…but don’t be a prisoner of love. …the free world is not the same as prison…they were living in an unnatural environment that changed them and how they deal with love, responsibility, and life. Stunted in maturity at the age they walked in.Most times, they don’t know what it is to meet the needs of others, only survive and have an uncanny way of shutting down emotionally, leaving you broken, deflecting to avoid confrontation, and manipulating even if not intentionally. They are easily overwhelmed because they went from having no responsibility in prison to dealing with a woman with expectations they have no clue how to meet as well as free world life responsibilities. Are you ready for this? Will you accept this?

These men come home different from my husband; after 19 years, he’s not the same person; of course, I wouldn’t think he would be. It’s hard; I’m emotionally drained some days, ready to walk away. I’m at a loss for words at this point.

I met my husband two years post-release after 7 years in maximum security. He was charming, was successfully running a business & seemed to have it all together. I had concerns that he had been damaged by those 7 years, but he fooled me. He said, ‘I just need love & kindness’ (I now know that to him, this means Doing everything I want) About 9 months in, I began to see the anger when things didn’t go his way & it frightened me. I’d try to do everything ‘right’ to avoid an eruption. I failed. I asked him time & again to get help. ‘I don’t need it. YOU just need to be more loving.’ I’d ask him how he’d like me to do that & he’d say ‘I don’t know. I just want to feel it’. I’d try & all was ok for a few weeks. Then something would trigger him & our whole marriage was suddenly rubbish & ‘not worth the effort’. Regular verbal abuse was my lot for two years. After the first year, just enduring it, telling ,myself ‘He can’t help it, it’s not really him’, I set a boundary. When the swearing starts, I leave the room. Seemed to work & he realised quicker & quicker that he’d been triggered & needed to calm down.

More recently (last week) he started on me at 11.30pm. I got up to leave the room but he grabbed me at the door & shoved me back to the bed, yelling in my face. As soon as I could get away, I fled to my car, drove away & stayed in it til morning. The clumsy apology I received was for ‘getting angry & firing off. But you need to take some responsibility for making me angry’ Is this normal? The lack of accountability? The expectation of mind reading? (I’m supposed to know that, having checked in at 9 pm to find him asleep after taking a sleeping pill, that staying up reading til 11 was wrong) For me, the line between verbal & physical has been crossed, and I’m struggling to continue making excuses for him. Thoughts?